Life's Little Up and Downs

Deviating from my rehab for this.  Life has been difficult since rehab.  The great thing is we are not drinking and we are very close to 5 months sober. Remembered this song and it felt like me today.

I would be lying if I didn't say we weren't struggling with the other aspects of life.  Constant doctor trips, doctor bills, money and etc.  But you know, we are going to get through it.  With God's help, we are living one day at a time.  Working on what is important today.  God opens doors for you, you just have to be receptive enough to do his will.  But all in all, it is important to understand that Life has it's little ups and downs.
Love the words in this song.
Life has it's little ups and downs
Like ponies on a merry-go-round
And no one grabs the brass ring everytime.


God Bless
Mike

The Serenity Prayer

The Serenity Prayer is said 4 to 5 times a day at my rehab.  At first I was going through the motions saying the words.  But as my crisis deepens while I am in rehab, I turn to God and the words of this prayer take on a whole new meaning for me.

This video is beautiful.  At rehab and at AA meetings, we only say the first 3 verses of the prayer.  I have come to learn to live by this prayer.  God is just that close. 
During this time at rehab, I was catching a cold and not feeling well and my wife was in the hospital in Houston out of my reach.  She was sick and getting sicker.  It's amazing how a small prayer like this one can truly give you some serenity.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  Wow, I couldn't change a thing at this point.  But God was gracious and gave me serenity at this point.
The courage to change the things that I can.  At this point, I could only change myself.  This is what God was wanting me to work on.
And the wisdom to know the difference. Only through constant contact with God can this happen.  This means to spend time in prayer every day and asks for God's guidance for your life.  Then just go out and live.  That is what God would want you to do.   God wants you to use the tools in life that he has given to you.  Use them and make this world a better place. 

The Ladies at Rehab

While we had a few younger ladies at rehab, for the most part my group was composed of women in their late 30's to early 50's.  The story was pretty much the same for them all.

If you remember, my daughter was the main driving force behind me going to in patient rehab.  Well, I couldn't forget her there.  Two of the ladies in rehab had the same first name as my daughter, one of the ladies first name rhymed with my wife's name and one of the ladies had the same body motions as my daughter.  Specifically, you could see her jaw tighten up when she really wanted to say something and she could point that finger just like my daughter. She was a consistent note taker. She really needed order in her life. My daughter is a note taker and really needs order.    I was constantly reminded the first week of my daughter.
The ladies in rehab really didn't seem to have prescription drug problems like in the video but alcohol was a problem for them.  The pressure of having a family and being the perfect person was just too much for them.  It is too much for any one to do, but alcohol crept into their lives.  
Resentments, fear and isolation get to alcoholics and it got to these ladies.  These ladies are really great people that had just found their lives unmanageable.  How are they doing now?  I don't know for sure, but I think that for the most part they are staying sober.  Learning to live life is another task altogether.  I hope and pray for each of them as they meant a lot to my rehab.  I got to see life though a female that is just as angry and scared as the men.  Alcohol can kill you.  Alcohol can ruin your life.  Please help those that you see that are dealing with the issues of alcoholism and drug addiction.  

One of my buds in rehab and the Everclear Song

I will never reveal names, but I made some real friends in rehab.  One of my cabinmates was one of the smartest people there at rehab.  But that intoxicating clear liquid did him in.

 This guy is a computer whiz.  Writes software.  But somewhere along the line, he fell under the spell of Everclear.  According to him, he drank a lot of it and did it everyday.  Had  some legal problems to go with it.  Life had just become unmanageable for him.
I sat there more than a few times and said, "I'm not that bad".  You see that is how an alcoholic thinks.  Always trying to compare your addition to someone else's and finding out that you are not that bad.  This kind of thinking can lead to more drinking.   The fact of the matter is an alcoholic is an alcoholic and a drug addict is a drug addict.  Each may have their own poison, but make no mistake each has a poison.  This is one of the harder things to learn in rehab.  To take total ownership of your own addiction.  That is where recovery can start.
I haven't talked to my buddy in about a month and pray that he is still sober.  He has so much to live for.
As one alcoholic in an aa meeting always says after someone asks if there are any pressing issues.  He always says "Don't Drink". Please help anyone that is close to you that may have an addiction.  Don't let them waste their life.
Mike

Back to Rehab: If I Can't Leave Here I Just Might Stay

Well, I was pretty aggravated that no one was answering the phone when I called.  Just couldn't understand what was going on.  Picked this song for the one line,  "If I can't leave here, I just might stay".  That is the way that I was feeling about a week into rehab.

God was dealing with me on one hand, but my family had just decided to leave me here.  I figured that I would get back at them.  I revoked all the HIPPA permissions that I gave when I got to rehab.  If they weren't going to talk to me, I would fix them.  They would have no way to contact me.  They could just leave a phone number.  Like the song said, I just figured that if I couldn't leave the place that I might just as well stay and make the most of it.  Resentments, I would learn are very harmful to everyone, especially alcoholics.
About an hour after I gave my counselor the revocation of my HIPPA privileges, he came to me with the news that my wife had been transported to the hospital in Houston and was very sick.  That was one of the worst moments in rehab for me.  I felt entirely helpless.  I tore up the paper and gave back my HIPPA rights to my family.    I cried for a while and then I prayed.  God was the only way for me to get through this.  And then like the serenity prayer for alcoholics, God did grant me serenity.  This would help me get through rehab, cause most bad things were coming. 

Mike

You've Gotta Have Heart

You know that I should know better by now.  I just thought that my next post would be about my rehab.  Following is the most exciting thing that has happened to me since rehab. 

God really does work in mysterious ways.  Just after rehab, I went straight to Houston to be with my wife as she had a mastectomy because of breast cancer.  One morning standing in  a line for breakfast, I was behind a young black man.  He was just trying to order some eggs, but the lady behind the counter just couldn't understand him.  She was oriental and had a strong accent.  This young man, who I will call Rodney, exhibited great strength and just accepted what the lady made and told her God Bless You.  He meant it.  I just had to meet this guy and went into the dining room and invited myself to sit down with him and eat.
Found out he was an ex-Pro Football player and his girlfriend was in the hospital for some surgery that would prepare her for a heart transplant.  We spent some time together, even playing dominos in his girlfriend's room.  Her name is Tamera.  I told him about my wife and he and I prayed together several times.  We prayed for Carla and Tamera.  As we left the hospital, I got their phone number and wanted to hear when she was going to get her heart.
When we left to go to Houston last week, I called and talked to Tamera.  She was still waiting for her heart.  Carla had her surgery last Thursday and went home from the hospital on Saturday.  We are staying at our daughter's house in Houston.  On Sunday, I got a text message from Tamera.  Her heart was in Houston and she was heading for the hospital.
Today, we had to go back to the hospital and get a checkup on my wife's surgery.  While we were at the hospital, we went by the cardiac transplant unit and met Tamera's dad.  She got her heart last Sunday night.  She is having a few complications but everything seems to be alright.  God blessed me and let me meet this wonderful person. 
Listen to the video,  It starts out by saying that this game of baseball is only 1/2 skill, the other half heart.  Well the same could be said for life itself.  You gotta have heart and Tamera got her new one. 
Life is exciting if you just listen.  God will lead you if you let him. 
Please take care of Tamera dear Lord and help her to heal.  

 

Whats So Fun About Alcohol, The Facts

I'll get back to my rehab journey after this post.  The incident happened while my wife was in the hospital this past week.  The Video is from the UK, but just multiply those numbers for the US.

While sitting in the waiting room while my wife was in surgery, I happened to overhear the lady next to me talking on her cell phone.  She was sobbing as she cried. 
When she got off the phone, I asked her if there was anything that I could do.  She just shook her head.  The surgeon had just come to tell her that they had just sewed her husband back up and couldn't do anything for him.
This man is in his early 60's.  He had known that he had kidney cancer for 6 years and finally decided to have that kidney taken out.  You see, he found out that he was going to need a liver transplant.  You can't get on any transplant list if you have cancer.  
 When they opened this man up, his liver and adjoining organs were very brittle and they were unable to move them around to get to the cancerous kidney.  To move those organs around in the present condition would cause more serious problems. 
This man has cirrhosis from long term alcohol abuse.  Now that he has cancer, which in normal people would be very treatable, his is a death sentence.  Alcohol can not only kill quickly, overdoses and accidents, but the long term effect can be a long and painful death sentence.  This man had never quit drinking and he knew that he had a liver problem.  This was a very sad moment for me in the waiting room as there was not much to say to console her.  What I did tell her will remain private.
My wife has cirrhosis from alcohol and was in the hospital to remove her cancer in her breast.  She was a lucky one.  We caught the cancer early and she and I have both given up alcohol.  At this point we are a little over 4 months sober.  It will keep you sober to be in a waiting room with a heartbroken women crying over the condition of her lifelong husband.
Alcohol Kills.  

Please get help for yourself or if you have a family member that has an alcohol condition please help them.  I know, because I am an alcoholic.  They will have a hard time asking for help.  Links at the top of the page are to Alcoholics Anonymous, Ala-teen and Narcotics Anonymous can give you some guidance.  My email and phone number is at the bottom of the page.  This is serious business.
May God Bless you.
Mike

I Like Beer (Lessons from the Past)

Last night I was sitting in the cafeteria at Methodist Hospital in Houston eating a late supper.  3 ladies a few tables from me were having a good time laughing an going on.  As I was leaving, I spoke to them and it turned into a long conversation. Something one of them told me led to this post about beer.

After some conversation, I finally told them about going to rehab and my wife being in the hospital at the same time.  I told them about Jared.  We talked and talked about alcoholism and one of them told me her husband was an alcoholic.  I started talking about the 12 steps and she said they wouldn't work for him.  His biggest problem was he like the "taste of beer".  After laughing and then feeling bad about laughing, I told her  all alcoholics love the taste of whatever they are addicted to.  Beer is as good as any an addiction.
Another reason that I chose this was when I first talked to my mom when I got out of rehab we talked about beer.  She said that my dad liked beer and he would sometimes carry two around at a time.  But then she said, he couldn't have been an alcoholic because he only drank beer.  She said you have to be hooked on the "hard stuff" to be an alcoholic.  I laughed at that one too.
There is such a misconception in our society about alcoholism and how to identify it.  Many people think that beer can't hurt you as far as alcoholism is concerned. They seem to forget that beer is made of alcohol.
I proceeded to tell the woman last night, that I felt like I knew what her husband's biggest problem was.  She looked at me wanting to know. 
I told these 3 ladies about the first 3 steps in the 12 step system.  I told her that her  husband has a problem with the higher power concept.  Step number two tell us that we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can help us.  Number 3 tells us about turning our live over to the Higher Power (Power of our Understanding) to relieve us of our dependence on alcohol.
This lady looked me straight in the eye and said that was his problem.  Quite frankly, it's pretty easy to diagnose because that is the root of the problem.  Alcoholics and addicts refuse to let anybody else control their actions.  They have no chance at recovery if they can come to recognize a Higher Power.  It's amazing how it works, they get to choose their own Higher Power as long as it's not addictive.
Last night was a blessing to me as it helped reinforce my connection with God.  God was there with me. 
If you are one of the ladies that were there with me, thanks for letting me share my story with you.

Mike

 

Ain't No Need in Ya'll Treating Me That Way

My first Friday in rehab and things are starting to get tough for me personally.  I picked this song for that one line in the song, "Ain't no need in ya'll treating me this way".

Carla was in rehab in Houston or so I thought.  I got one letter from her asking me to write and I have written several letters and not heard from her.  The coming Sunday, I could and did get a pass to leave the rehab with family for 4 hours. 
All of a sudden, my family that sent me to rehab starting acting like I had some dread disease.  They informed me that they would not take me out of rehab, but would come to see me.  What was that about.  I would learn in the next few days.  As a matter of fact in the next few days, my family even quit answering the phone when I would call. I was getting pretty upset because I didn't know why they were treating me this way. I can tell you this, when you are stashed away in rehab with a bunch of drunks and addicts, can't get a hold of your wife and your family quits talking to you.  You get pretty scared and lonesome.
The good thing was that I was walking closer to God and he had given me serenity.  Even in a close walk with God, life still happens and it was happening all around me.
 Mike

New Kid in Rehab

News travels fast in a rehab group.  The buzz had been going around for a few hours that some kid was on the way to Wimberley.  He had an intervention on The Dr. Oz show in New York the day before.  15 minutes of fame. New Kid in Town by The Eagles.  Read the lyrics as the song goes on.  They fit Jared pretty well.  "Great expectations everybody is watching you"

Jared got there with much fanfare.  They stuck him in detox for a few days.  He was cocky right off.  That Dr. Oz thing had gone to his head at this time.  I got to tell you, an intervention on TV doesn't get much attention from a bunch of drunks and addicts in rehab.  Jared had a lot to learn.
I remember the first time that I saw him.  He was walking towards the  smoking area and walked past my cabin.  Me and some of my roommates were sitting on the front porch.  Jared walked up smoking a cigarette. You were only supposed to smoke in the smoking area, but at this time he didn't think any rules applied to him.  He threw the butt down in our flower bed and we got in trouble for it.  He heard about it very clear.
Jared started to hang out around me and the guy that I shared a room with.  We were both older and he just gravitated towards us.  We had the first of many long conversations with the troubled young man.  He was scared of life.  We will get to know him better. 

Bouldin Ave on Wednesday Night

In one of Willie Nelson's songs, it starts out, "Miracles appear in the strangest of places".  Bouldin Ave is one of those places.  I chose, "Stuck in the Middle with You" for the video for this post, because the video and the lyrics pretty much fit how I felt that night.  Listen while I tell the rest of the story.
We arrived at the "Pink House" on Bouldin Ave and it was very crowded.  The Pink House was very small.  As we walked around to the back of the house to enter, I saw all kinds of people.  And quite a few of them were pretty lit up on something.  Wild and wooly eyed people and I was just shaking my head. 
Inside the room was very small. There was a second room off to my right and the whole time that I was there this lady was busy counting the Sweet and Low packets and pointing and talking to the wall.  She had me pretty nervous.  Behind me was an old guy, probably close to 70 that had little hair, but what he had was long and in curls.  He was dressed pretty much like a clown.  Way out there.  He was sitting directly behind me. Right before the start of the meeting he screamed out Holy F**k.  I was nervous the rest of the time with him behind me.
It was cold this November evening and I could tell some just came in from out of the cold.  One guy had a 3 piece suit on and several women were dressed very nice.  The rest was a real assortment of people. 
I remember the meeting starting and the crazy looking guy that was chairing the meeting said that tonight's discussion topic was "The Doctor's Opinion".  This is the same opinion that I had been talking about all day.  I looked at one of my friends from rehab and we both shook our heads.  How can it be, how did this guy know what I had made my last stand.  Well not to be shy, I piped up and told the group that we had been discussing this same opinion and I wanted to know what "moral psychology" was.  I was real proud of myself for asking that, especially among these folks.  I thought they don't have a prayer. 
Instead this crazy looking guy looked back and me and said "I don't give a damn what it means, I think you should Keep it Simple".  If you read my post from earlier in that day, that is what the group at rehab had come up with.  Keep it Simple.   I realized right then and there that God was talking to me in the crazy Pink House with a bunch of crazy looking people and telling me what I had already been told. 
I then knew that God was working in my life and I needed to pay attention from then on.  God began to show up every day at rehab and most of the time it was centered around me.  My rehab mates would just shake their head and know that God was present.  I started to call these experiences, "God Touches".
There were many more of these touches to come.  God had entered my life again and I started to feel better.  Thanks goodness, because God knew the hard times that I had coming in the next couple of weeks.  Life in rehab gets much worse for me and without God, I would have been lost.
Jared shows up the next day on Thursday. 

Smoke Smoke Smoke that Cigarette

On Wednesday afternoons, if we are good they take us to the smoke shop and to the Dollar General.  At the smoke shop, we could buy our cigarettes and at the Dollar General any snacks that we might  want.  Trip was a big deal.

I think that I was the only patient there in rehab at the time that didn't smoke.  I mean they smoked like chimneys.  I get into it later, but my habit began at the smoking spot at rehab.  I painted little rocks and gave them to people.  I called them my "higher power" rocks. 
Well anyway on this first trip that I took to the smoke shop, I got out of the van and went into the shop.  I was looking around at all the different kinds of cigarettes and cigars and was just amazed.  The thing that I begin to notice though was that they were different flavored cigars.  Peach, Blueberry and lots more.  I looked around at the group and asked why would anyone want a peach flavored cigarette.  The guy behind the counter just looked at me and said that lots of people like different flavors now.  I said "OK" and went out the door.  When we got into the van, one of the young "tough guy"  boys that was with us started laughing and said would someone please tell "Big Mike" (I am a big guy) what flavored cigars are about.
One of the other guys told me that potheads slit the cigars and took the tobacco out and put pot in them.  Then it didn't look like they were smoking a joint and it was flavored.  I got a real education about drugs in rehab.  But the song fits.  And we are still going to Bouldin Ave that Wednesday night.
In the video close to the start is a picture of some clowns smoking Admiral Cigarettes.  I think these are some of the guys we see at Bouldin Avenue.

Doctor My Eyes

This song means a lot to me and my trip through rehab.  It was about Wednesday, about 7 days into rehab that I was struggling with this whole idea.  I didn't want to give up control and I was fighting it.  Listen to the song.

You will miss the blessing if you don't listen to the lyrics.  This Wednesday, we were having discussions about readings in the "Big Book", the bible for Alcoholics Anonymous.  This book was written in 1939 and some of the reading were pretty mysterious.  I have been an insurance man for most of my adult life and words and definitions always were important to me.  We were reading "The Doctor's Opinion" at the front of the book.  Towards the end of this opinion the doctor talked about "moral psychology" and I wanted and insisted to know just what that meant.  This was to be my last stand.  Somebody explain it to me.  Neither the counselors nor the rest of the group were doing much to convince me just what that passage meant.  I mean, if you can't explain something to me in the front of the book, why go any further.  The best that the group could come up with is something that you hear a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous.  "Keep It Simple".  Well, at this point that wasn't just good enough for me.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself for stumping the crowd.  I had proved to myself that there was nothing here for me.  Like I said it was my last stand.
That night we go to Bouldin Avenue, oh my..
The words to the last verse are:
Doctor My Eyes
Cannot see the Sky
Is this the Price for having learned how not to cry.
This is the plight of many alcoholics and drug addicts.  They have internalized their  pain and won't let it out.  No one is allowed to go there.  But as I would find out, this is the real beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Mike