I am now a week gone from my home. Carla is in Houston in rehab and here I am in Wimberley. The following song means a lot to me. Listen to it carefully and follow along with the lyrics.
God is starting to deal with me and I am starting to feel his presence. It comes on slowly but as the song says, "Something calls to me". I was beginning to understand that I did have a problem with alcohol. There is a tendency to compare yourself with other alcoholics and addicts. I found myself wanting to say, I am not that bad. The real truth is that addiction is addiction. It really doesn't come in degrees. I know some will argue that point with me but that is what makes this disease so baffling. It can make you understand almost anything. I talk to my daughter and tell her I am thinking about staying the whole 30 days and not just the two weeks that she and I had agreed on. Turmoil is just around the corner for me and thankfully I had a relationship with God to help me through it. Wednesday night, I find God in the strangest of places.
As they say, "It happens."
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
What do we talk about in group?
I guess that the most asked question I get about both rehab and AA meetings. The truth is we talk about life. Watch and listen to the video.
Life is not unlike the story of this video. Getting drunk and worried about the future. Sometimes it's jail, sometimes it getting sent to rehab. Lots of heartache and divorce. In these meetings, we are extremely honest about our situations in life. It's not just to tell a story for it's shock value and believe me, some stories shocked the hell out of me. No, by telling the story, you are able to get it out of your system and tell someone and not be judged by what you did. That's the most important part of group and an AA meeting. The ability to disclose those things in your life that alcohol or drugs led you to do and get rid of the shame associated with your actions. This is where the healing starts. You wouldn't think you would find honesty in a bunch of drunks and drug addicts, because we had never been honest about our problem. But in these meetings, you find total honesty and it feels really good.
Life is not unlike the story of this video. Getting drunk and worried about the future. Sometimes it's jail, sometimes it getting sent to rehab. Lots of heartache and divorce. In these meetings, we are extremely honest about our situations in life. It's not just to tell a story for it's shock value and believe me, some stories shocked the hell out of me. No, by telling the story, you are able to get it out of your system and tell someone and not be judged by what you did. That's the most important part of group and an AA meeting. The ability to disclose those things in your life that alcohol or drugs led you to do and get rid of the shame associated with your actions. This is where the healing starts. You wouldn't think you would find honesty in a bunch of drunks and drug addicts, because we had never been honest about our problem. But in these meetings, you find total honesty and it feels really good.
Mondays at Rehab
Well if you knew it was Monday, then you knew this song would come, but it's really appropriate.
Monday at Camp Lost in the Ozone, is really the hardest day. On Sunday night you leave the rehab to attend an AA meeting either in Austin, San Marcos or Wimberley. Sunday nights they usually went the further-est for some reason and you usually got back to rehab at 9:30 pm and then had wrap up. So you were up late.
They hit it hard on Monday mornings and keep you going at a brisk pace all day. You are really pretty tired by the AA meeting that night and again on Mondays they left rehab for a meeting elsewhere. This was my first Monday in rehab and I was having a hard time keeping up with the pace of the day.
Funny thing about when they took us away from rehab. The RA's would never tell us where we were going until the bus had left the property. They didn't want the patients to have time to call a drug dealer and meet up with us at the destination. Kind of funny, because we were chaperoned pretty well at all times, don't know when you could really get a drug deal done. The other thing that was funny was we could tell where we were going by the time that we left the property. If we left at 7, we were going to Austin, if we left at 7:15 we were going to San Marcos and if we left at 7:30 we were just going to Wimberley. It was a game and I guess we enjoyed the laugh.
Another funny thing about leaving and going to outside AA meetings was that I always got shotgun when a certain new RA was driving. They said that they were just taking care of the old guy and let him ride up front. The truth was that this RA scared the hell out of us a few times and nobody wanted to sit upfront.
Another sidenote, the boys usually went in one van and the girls in another van. Didn't want the boys and girls mixing up too much. Well towards the end of my time in rehab, we had a lot more boys than girls, so they usually picked out the 3 or 4 oldest guys and let them ride with the girls.
Oh well, rehab is rehab and you don't ask too many questions because the answer to those questions is usually, "just because".
Monday at Camp Lost in the Ozone, is really the hardest day. On Sunday night you leave the rehab to attend an AA meeting either in Austin, San Marcos or Wimberley. Sunday nights they usually went the further-est for some reason and you usually got back to rehab at 9:30 pm and then had wrap up. So you were up late.
They hit it hard on Monday mornings and keep you going at a brisk pace all day. You are really pretty tired by the AA meeting that night and again on Mondays they left rehab for a meeting elsewhere. This was my first Monday in rehab and I was having a hard time keeping up with the pace of the day.
Funny thing about when they took us away from rehab. The RA's would never tell us where we were going until the bus had left the property. They didn't want the patients to have time to call a drug dealer and meet up with us at the destination. Kind of funny, because we were chaperoned pretty well at all times, don't know when you could really get a drug deal done. The other thing that was funny was we could tell where we were going by the time that we left the property. If we left at 7, we were going to Austin, if we left at 7:15 we were going to San Marcos and if we left at 7:30 we were just going to Wimberley. It was a game and I guess we enjoyed the laugh.
Another funny thing about leaving and going to outside AA meetings was that I always got shotgun when a certain new RA was driving. They said that they were just taking care of the old guy and let him ride up front. The truth was that this RA scared the hell out of us a few times and nobody wanted to sit upfront.
Another sidenote, the boys usually went in one van and the girls in another van. Didn't want the boys and girls mixing up too much. Well towards the end of my time in rehab, we had a lot more boys than girls, so they usually picked out the 3 or 4 oldest guys and let them ride with the girls.
Oh well, rehab is rehab and you don't ask too many questions because the answer to those questions is usually, "just because".
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday Morning Coming Down.
My first Sunday in rehab. Separated from my wife and family and put out here with a bunch of alcoholics and addicts. The Saturday Family group session was tough and I was quite sure that I couldn't handle this.
Well the song fit me this morning. They call it a dry drunk. You haven't had anything to drink but was experiencing the same feelings as being drunk. Here I was this fine Sunday morning. Running out of clean clothes, not shaving, wondering what in the hell I am doing here and feeling mighty lonesome. I was surrounded by people that I didn't know telling horror stories about their lives that I really didn't want to hear. I had been telling everyone I was an alcoholic in group for 3 days and I didn't believe it. I felt terrible. I was clinging to memories of just a week ago, trying to forget where I was at. Felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare and just wanted to wake up.
Sunday's are pretty relaxed at rehab. Today family members can take the patients out for a 4 hour time period away from the rehab. I didn't qualify to leave today because it was my first Sunday. Little did I know at that time that I would never leave on a family day pass. Rough time with family members is on the horizon. They just kind of left me there. There would be a reason but I wouldn't find out until much later.
This Sunday morning I was feeling bad. Hung over (dry drunk) and feeling lonesome. I had started on the roller coaster emotions of rehab and things would get much worse before they started to get better.
Mike
Well the song fit me this morning. They call it a dry drunk. You haven't had anything to drink but was experiencing the same feelings as being drunk. Here I was this fine Sunday morning. Running out of clean clothes, not shaving, wondering what in the hell I am doing here and feeling mighty lonesome. I was surrounded by people that I didn't know telling horror stories about their lives that I really didn't want to hear. I had been telling everyone I was an alcoholic in group for 3 days and I didn't believe it. I felt terrible. I was clinging to memories of just a week ago, trying to forget where I was at. Felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare and just wanted to wake up.
Sunday's are pretty relaxed at rehab. Today family members can take the patients out for a 4 hour time period away from the rehab. I didn't qualify to leave today because it was my first Sunday. Little did I know at that time that I would never leave on a family day pass. Rough time with family members is on the horizon. They just kind of left me there. There would be a reason but I wouldn't find out until much later.
This Sunday morning I was feeling bad. Hung over (dry drunk) and feeling lonesome. I had started on the roller coaster emotions of rehab and things would get much worse before they started to get better.
Mike
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Family Group
Need to be serious here. Family group is one of the most guy wrenching sessions that I sat through. It was on Saturday afternoons. Picked the video, "Games People Play" by Joe South. Listen as I describe the Family Group Session.
One of the last things that you do in treatment is write your family letter. This is a letter to the family members of the patient. It can be written to a mother, father, sister, brother, spouse or the patient's children. Those that the patient writes a letter to, write their own letters. These letters are then read in group, with the patient and his/her family sitting in the middle of the room with the rest of the familes and patients around them. You hear lots of resentments, anger, tears, and love in these letters. It is the most gut wrenching honesty that I have ever been part of. It scared the hell out of me. This is serious business and you can see first hand how alcohol and drugs have torn apart families and caused much much grief. It was painful to watch. I saw tough young men reduced to whimpering and crying like babies. These were the guys that thought they were bullet proof. I saw husbands and wives face each other and just lay open the wounds and raw feelings that this addiction has caused in the family. I can't really describe all the feelings that went into this.
It was in one of these meeting that I saw Jared and his mom talk to each other. What was said is not important, but what was important to me was the pure love that existed between this mother and her son. They laid it out, but held onto each other. It was touching.. But this is a baffling disease, less than 2 months later Jared is dead. Sometimes even love can't save a soul. This had hit me very hard.
Listen the the song, Oh, the game people play now, every night and every day, never saying what we mean, never meaning what we say. So true. The purpose of rehab and AA is to help those in addiction to resolve resentments and fears before they claim a life.
I encourage you if you have a loved one to try and get them help. Links at the top of the page will take you to Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. You don't know how long your loved one can last without help. If you feel like you need help again clink on one of the links or email me @mcarlson12@austin.rr.com. I will talk to you and help in any way that I can.
God Bless,
Mike
One of the last things that you do in treatment is write your family letter. This is a letter to the family members of the patient. It can be written to a mother, father, sister, brother, spouse or the patient's children. Those that the patient writes a letter to, write their own letters. These letters are then read in group, with the patient and his/her family sitting in the middle of the room with the rest of the familes and patients around them. You hear lots of resentments, anger, tears, and love in these letters. It is the most gut wrenching honesty that I have ever been part of. It scared the hell out of me. This is serious business and you can see first hand how alcohol and drugs have torn apart families and caused much much grief. It was painful to watch. I saw tough young men reduced to whimpering and crying like babies. These were the guys that thought they were bullet proof. I saw husbands and wives face each other and just lay open the wounds and raw feelings that this addiction has caused in the family. I can't really describe all the feelings that went into this.
It was in one of these meeting that I saw Jared and his mom talk to each other. What was said is not important, but what was important to me was the pure love that existed between this mother and her son. They laid it out, but held onto each other. It was touching.. But this is a baffling disease, less than 2 months later Jared is dead. Sometimes even love can't save a soul. This had hit me very hard.
Listen the the song, Oh, the game people play now, every night and every day, never saying what we mean, never meaning what we say. So true. The purpose of rehab and AA is to help those in addiction to resolve resentments and fears before they claim a life.
I encourage you if you have a loved one to try and get them help. Links at the top of the page will take you to Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. You don't know how long your loved one can last without help. If you feel like you need help again clink on one of the links or email me @mcarlson12@austin.rr.com. I will talk to you and help in any way that I can.
God Bless,
Mike
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Super Clean
My first Saturday in rehab was my first Super Clean. You see the inmates, I mean patients, had to clean the premises and Wednesdays and Saturdays were Super Clean days. Saturday had more chores than Wednesday.
My video is the one from the old movie "Car Wash", the song was by Rose Royce.
I just want to say that any resemblance of actors in the movies to inmates at rehab is purely coincidental. But to my buds are rehab, some of you can see yourself there. Especially that guy with the bunny ears..
Super Clean. The rehab had 4 cabins that held the inmates, a lodge where we ate and held our AA meetings. We also had study hall there along with our Yoga sessions. We also had a workout cabin and then the nurse's station which included a detox area. Finally there was the Group room where we had most of our meetings.
First of all the cabins had to be really deep cleaned. Sweeping, moping and cleaning the baseboards. Clean off all the nightstands, wipe the window blinds down and spic and span bathrooms. One of the lady RAs was a real hard case on the bathrooms. I am sure that she had a magnifying glass when checking the bathrooms. If she found one hair around the sink, the toilet or in the tub, you lost points. Rarely did we not lose points. I really think she got down of the floor and looked. If you are an RA and reading this you know who you are. I won't mention any names. I forgot to mention that we had to wash all the windows.
After cleaning the cabins, each cabin was given duties outside the cabin. You usually got two extra duties.
They were: Cleaning the nurses station, cleaning the lodge, cleaning the workout cabin, cleaning the group room, cleaning the smoke areas, 1 for women and 1 for men. Picking up trash on the grounds of the rehab. And last but not least, washing the vans.
At this point I would like to remind you it was mid-November and pretty cold. You guessed it, our cabin got the vans. That is what reminded me of the "Car Wash" movie. I know we looked pretty silly out there washing those vans. But I got through the first of many Super Cleans.
My video is the one from the old movie "Car Wash", the song was by Rose Royce.
I just want to say that any resemblance of actors in the movies to inmates at rehab is purely coincidental. But to my buds are rehab, some of you can see yourself there. Especially that guy with the bunny ears..
Super Clean. The rehab had 4 cabins that held the inmates, a lodge where we ate and held our AA meetings. We also had study hall there along with our Yoga sessions. We also had a workout cabin and then the nurse's station which included a detox area. Finally there was the Group room where we had most of our meetings.
First of all the cabins had to be really deep cleaned. Sweeping, moping and cleaning the baseboards. Clean off all the nightstands, wipe the window blinds down and spic and span bathrooms. One of the lady RAs was a real hard case on the bathrooms. I am sure that she had a magnifying glass when checking the bathrooms. If she found one hair around the sink, the toilet or in the tub, you lost points. Rarely did we not lose points. I really think she got down of the floor and looked. If you are an RA and reading this you know who you are. I won't mention any names. I forgot to mention that we had to wash all the windows.
After cleaning the cabins, each cabin was given duties outside the cabin. You usually got two extra duties.
They were: Cleaning the nurses station, cleaning the lodge, cleaning the workout cabin, cleaning the group room, cleaning the smoke areas, 1 for women and 1 for men. Picking up trash on the grounds of the rehab. And last but not least, washing the vans.
At this point I would like to remind you it was mid-November and pretty cold. You guessed it, our cabin got the vans. That is what reminded me of the "Car Wash" movie. I know we looked pretty silly out there washing those vans. But I got through the first of many Super Cleans.
Monday, February 21, 2011
A Man of Constant Sorrow
Well that's the theme for the first few days in rehab. Out here in the country with a bunch of drunks and drug addicts.. Who would have thought..
Wow, here I am. My first afternoon in rehab. Stayed in the detox area for most of the afternoon. Slept.
Got up in time for supper and my first AA meeting. One thing about this place, the food was very good. My first AA meeting was at 7 that night. First time that I uttered, I'm Mike and I'm an Alcoholic. Didn't believe it that time but everybody else was saying it so go along to get along.
At 10 p.m. go to take my evening meds. Told them I was having a hard time sleeping. First night took their brand of vitamin which included melatonin, took a visteral for anxiety, and a trazadone for sleep. And sleep I did. Got up the next morning for breakfast.
Spent most of breakfast face down in my migas. Could not wake up. Went to take morning meds after breakfast and the RA put me back to bed. I could hardly stand up. I had been sober for several days at this time, but I sure looked drunk at that time. Slept till 10 a.m. Didn't do much before lunch. Friday afternoon was recreational time and most everybody went on the bus and got to go bowling. They have this 24 hour rule. They left for bowling at 3 and I had gotten there the day before at 3:30. Didn't qualify to go. Got to stay back with those stumbling around in detox. Oh well, if the song fits wear it.
Wow, here I am. My first afternoon in rehab. Stayed in the detox area for most of the afternoon. Slept.
Got up in time for supper and my first AA meeting. One thing about this place, the food was very good. My first AA meeting was at 7 that night. First time that I uttered, I'm Mike and I'm an Alcoholic. Didn't believe it that time but everybody else was saying it so go along to get along.
At 10 p.m. go to take my evening meds. Told them I was having a hard time sleeping. First night took their brand of vitamin which included melatonin, took a visteral for anxiety, and a trazadone for sleep. And sleep I did. Got up the next morning for breakfast.
Spent most of breakfast face down in my migas. Could not wake up. Went to take morning meds after breakfast and the RA put me back to bed. I could hardly stand up. I had been sober for several days at this time, but I sure looked drunk at that time. Slept till 10 a.m. Didn't do much before lunch. Friday afternoon was recreational time and most everybody went on the bus and got to go bowling. They have this 24 hour rule. They left for bowling at 3 and I had gotten there the day before at 3:30. Didn't qualify to go. Got to stay back with those stumbling around in detox. Oh well, if the song fits wear it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)