It's time to move on.

I didn't finish my story about my time in rehab, but God is leading me to move on.  A friend of mine has encourage me to keep writing so I will.  But I started a new blog.  What's this God Thing.  http://whatsthisgodthing.blogspot.com/2011/10/talking-with-god.html   I made my first post this morning. 

We had a reunion last weekend at the rehab and saw some of my friends from the time that I was there.  We talked about Jarod and felt bad.  But God has impressed me to move on.  The new blog, I will be talking about my personal relationship with God and other issues in society regarding God.  Hope that you will join me.

Mike Carlson

Life's Little Up and Downs

Deviating from my rehab for this.  Life has been difficult since rehab.  The great thing is we are not drinking and we are very close to 5 months sober. Remembered this song and it felt like me today.

I would be lying if I didn't say we weren't struggling with the other aspects of life.  Constant doctor trips, doctor bills, money and etc.  But you know, we are going to get through it.  With God's help, we are living one day at a time.  Working on what is important today.  God opens doors for you, you just have to be receptive enough to do his will.  But all in all, it is important to understand that Life has it's little ups and downs.
Love the words in this song.
Life has it's little ups and downs
Like ponies on a merry-go-round
And no one grabs the brass ring everytime.


God Bless
Mike

The Serenity Prayer

The Serenity Prayer is said 4 to 5 times a day at my rehab.  At first I was going through the motions saying the words.  But as my crisis deepens while I am in rehab, I turn to God and the words of this prayer take on a whole new meaning for me.

This video is beautiful.  At rehab and at AA meetings, we only say the first 3 verses of the prayer.  I have come to learn to live by this prayer.  God is just that close. 
During this time at rehab, I was catching a cold and not feeling well and my wife was in the hospital in Houston out of my reach.  She was sick and getting sicker.  It's amazing how a small prayer like this one can truly give you some serenity.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  Wow, I couldn't change a thing at this point.  But God was gracious and gave me serenity at this point.
The courage to change the things that I can.  At this point, I could only change myself.  This is what God was wanting me to work on.
And the wisdom to know the difference. Only through constant contact with God can this happen.  This means to spend time in prayer every day and asks for God's guidance for your life.  Then just go out and live.  That is what God would want you to do.   God wants you to use the tools in life that he has given to you.  Use them and make this world a better place. 

The Ladies at Rehab

While we had a few younger ladies at rehab, for the most part my group was composed of women in their late 30's to early 50's.  The story was pretty much the same for them all.

If you remember, my daughter was the main driving force behind me going to in patient rehab.  Well, I couldn't forget her there.  Two of the ladies in rehab had the same first name as my daughter, one of the ladies first name rhymed with my wife's name and one of the ladies had the same body motions as my daughter.  Specifically, you could see her jaw tighten up when she really wanted to say something and she could point that finger just like my daughter. She was a consistent note taker. She really needed order in her life. My daughter is a note taker and really needs order.    I was constantly reminded the first week of my daughter.
The ladies in rehab really didn't seem to have prescription drug problems like in the video but alcohol was a problem for them.  The pressure of having a family and being the perfect person was just too much for them.  It is too much for any one to do, but alcohol crept into their lives.  
Resentments, fear and isolation get to alcoholics and it got to these ladies.  These ladies are really great people that had just found their lives unmanageable.  How are they doing now?  I don't know for sure, but I think that for the most part they are staying sober.  Learning to live life is another task altogether.  I hope and pray for each of them as they meant a lot to my rehab.  I got to see life though a female that is just as angry and scared as the men.  Alcohol can kill you.  Alcohol can ruin your life.  Please help those that you see that are dealing with the issues of alcoholism and drug addiction.  

One of my buds in rehab and the Everclear Song

I will never reveal names, but I made some real friends in rehab.  One of my cabinmates was one of the smartest people there at rehab.  But that intoxicating clear liquid did him in.

 This guy is a computer whiz.  Writes software.  But somewhere along the line, he fell under the spell of Everclear.  According to him, he drank a lot of it and did it everyday.  Had  some legal problems to go with it.  Life had just become unmanageable for him.
I sat there more than a few times and said, "I'm not that bad".  You see that is how an alcoholic thinks.  Always trying to compare your addition to someone else's and finding out that you are not that bad.  This kind of thinking can lead to more drinking.   The fact of the matter is an alcoholic is an alcoholic and a drug addict is a drug addict.  Each may have their own poison, but make no mistake each has a poison.  This is one of the harder things to learn in rehab.  To take total ownership of your own addiction.  That is where recovery can start.
I haven't talked to my buddy in about a month and pray that he is still sober.  He has so much to live for.
As one alcoholic in an aa meeting always says after someone asks if there are any pressing issues.  He always says "Don't Drink". Please help anyone that is close to you that may have an addiction.  Don't let them waste their life.
Mike

Back to Rehab: If I Can't Leave Here I Just Might Stay

Well, I was pretty aggravated that no one was answering the phone when I called.  Just couldn't understand what was going on.  Picked this song for the one line,  "If I can't leave here, I just might stay".  That is the way that I was feeling about a week into rehab.

God was dealing with me on one hand, but my family had just decided to leave me here.  I figured that I would get back at them.  I revoked all the HIPPA permissions that I gave when I got to rehab.  If they weren't going to talk to me, I would fix them.  They would have no way to contact me.  They could just leave a phone number.  Like the song said, I just figured that if I couldn't leave the place that I might just as well stay and make the most of it.  Resentments, I would learn are very harmful to everyone, especially alcoholics.
About an hour after I gave my counselor the revocation of my HIPPA privileges, he came to me with the news that my wife had been transported to the hospital in Houston and was very sick.  That was one of the worst moments in rehab for me.  I felt entirely helpless.  I tore up the paper and gave back my HIPPA rights to my family.    I cried for a while and then I prayed.  God was the only way for me to get through this.  And then like the serenity prayer for alcoholics, God did grant me serenity.  This would help me get through rehab, cause most bad things were coming. 

Mike

You've Gotta Have Heart

You know that I should know better by now.  I just thought that my next post would be about my rehab.  Following is the most exciting thing that has happened to me since rehab. 

God really does work in mysterious ways.  Just after rehab, I went straight to Houston to be with my wife as she had a mastectomy because of breast cancer.  One morning standing in  a line for breakfast, I was behind a young black man.  He was just trying to order some eggs, but the lady behind the counter just couldn't understand him.  She was oriental and had a strong accent.  This young man, who I will call Rodney, exhibited great strength and just accepted what the lady made and told her God Bless You.  He meant it.  I just had to meet this guy and went into the dining room and invited myself to sit down with him and eat.
Found out he was an ex-Pro Football player and his girlfriend was in the hospital for some surgery that would prepare her for a heart transplant.  We spent some time together, even playing dominos in his girlfriend's room.  Her name is Tamera.  I told him about my wife and he and I prayed together several times.  We prayed for Carla and Tamera.  As we left the hospital, I got their phone number and wanted to hear when she was going to get her heart.
When we left to go to Houston last week, I called and talked to Tamera.  She was still waiting for her heart.  Carla had her surgery last Thursday and went home from the hospital on Saturday.  We are staying at our daughter's house in Houston.  On Sunday, I got a text message from Tamera.  Her heart was in Houston and she was heading for the hospital.
Today, we had to go back to the hospital and get a checkup on my wife's surgery.  While we were at the hospital, we went by the cardiac transplant unit and met Tamera's dad.  She got her heart last Sunday night.  She is having a few complications but everything seems to be alright.  God blessed me and let me meet this wonderful person. 
Listen to the video,  It starts out by saying that this game of baseball is only 1/2 skill, the other half heart.  Well the same could be said for life itself.  You gotta have heart and Tamera got her new one. 
Life is exciting if you just listen.  God will lead you if you let him. 
Please take care of Tamera dear Lord and help her to heal.  

 

Whats So Fun About Alcohol, The Facts

I'll get back to my rehab journey after this post.  The incident happened while my wife was in the hospital this past week.  The Video is from the UK, but just multiply those numbers for the US.

While sitting in the waiting room while my wife was in surgery, I happened to overhear the lady next to me talking on her cell phone.  She was sobbing as she cried. 
When she got off the phone, I asked her if there was anything that I could do.  She just shook her head.  The surgeon had just come to tell her that they had just sewed her husband back up and couldn't do anything for him.
This man is in his early 60's.  He had known that he had kidney cancer for 6 years and finally decided to have that kidney taken out.  You see, he found out that he was going to need a liver transplant.  You can't get on any transplant list if you have cancer.  
 When they opened this man up, his liver and adjoining organs were very brittle and they were unable to move them around to get to the cancerous kidney.  To move those organs around in the present condition would cause more serious problems. 
This man has cirrhosis from long term alcohol abuse.  Now that he has cancer, which in normal people would be very treatable, his is a death sentence.  Alcohol can not only kill quickly, overdoses and accidents, but the long term effect can be a long and painful death sentence.  This man had never quit drinking and he knew that he had a liver problem.  This was a very sad moment for me in the waiting room as there was not much to say to console her.  What I did tell her will remain private.
My wife has cirrhosis from alcohol and was in the hospital to remove her cancer in her breast.  She was a lucky one.  We caught the cancer early and she and I have both given up alcohol.  At this point we are a little over 4 months sober.  It will keep you sober to be in a waiting room with a heartbroken women crying over the condition of her lifelong husband.
Alcohol Kills.  

Please get help for yourself or if you have a family member that has an alcohol condition please help them.  I know, because I am an alcoholic.  They will have a hard time asking for help.  Links at the top of the page are to Alcoholics Anonymous, Ala-teen and Narcotics Anonymous can give you some guidance.  My email and phone number is at the bottom of the page.  This is serious business.
May God Bless you.
Mike

I Like Beer (Lessons from the Past)

Last night I was sitting in the cafeteria at Methodist Hospital in Houston eating a late supper.  3 ladies a few tables from me were having a good time laughing an going on.  As I was leaving, I spoke to them and it turned into a long conversation. Something one of them told me led to this post about beer.

After some conversation, I finally told them about going to rehab and my wife being in the hospital at the same time.  I told them about Jared.  We talked and talked about alcoholism and one of them told me her husband was an alcoholic.  I started talking about the 12 steps and she said they wouldn't work for him.  His biggest problem was he like the "taste of beer".  After laughing and then feeling bad about laughing, I told her  all alcoholics love the taste of whatever they are addicted to.  Beer is as good as any an addiction.
Another reason that I chose this was when I first talked to my mom when I got out of rehab we talked about beer.  She said that my dad liked beer and he would sometimes carry two around at a time.  But then she said, he couldn't have been an alcoholic because he only drank beer.  She said you have to be hooked on the "hard stuff" to be an alcoholic.  I laughed at that one too.
There is such a misconception in our society about alcoholism and how to identify it.  Many people think that beer can't hurt you as far as alcoholism is concerned. They seem to forget that beer is made of alcohol.
I proceeded to tell the woman last night, that I felt like I knew what her husband's biggest problem was.  She looked at me wanting to know. 
I told these 3 ladies about the first 3 steps in the 12 step system.  I told her that her  husband has a problem with the higher power concept.  Step number two tell us that we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can help us.  Number 3 tells us about turning our live over to the Higher Power (Power of our Understanding) to relieve us of our dependence on alcohol.
This lady looked me straight in the eye and said that was his problem.  Quite frankly, it's pretty easy to diagnose because that is the root of the problem.  Alcoholics and addicts refuse to let anybody else control their actions.  They have no chance at recovery if they can come to recognize a Higher Power.  It's amazing how it works, they get to choose their own Higher Power as long as it's not addictive.
Last night was a blessing to me as it helped reinforce my connection with God.  God was there with me. 
If you are one of the ladies that were there with me, thanks for letting me share my story with you.

Mike

 

Ain't No Need in Ya'll Treating Me That Way

My first Friday in rehab and things are starting to get tough for me personally.  I picked this song for that one line in the song, "Ain't no need in ya'll treating me this way".

Carla was in rehab in Houston or so I thought.  I got one letter from her asking me to write and I have written several letters and not heard from her.  The coming Sunday, I could and did get a pass to leave the rehab with family for 4 hours. 
All of a sudden, my family that sent me to rehab starting acting like I had some dread disease.  They informed me that they would not take me out of rehab, but would come to see me.  What was that about.  I would learn in the next few days.  As a matter of fact in the next few days, my family even quit answering the phone when I would call. I was getting pretty upset because I didn't know why they were treating me this way. I can tell you this, when you are stashed away in rehab with a bunch of drunks and addicts, can't get a hold of your wife and your family quits talking to you.  You get pretty scared and lonesome.
The good thing was that I was walking closer to God and he had given me serenity.  Even in a close walk with God, life still happens and it was happening all around me.
 Mike

New Kid in Rehab

News travels fast in a rehab group.  The buzz had been going around for a few hours that some kid was on the way to Wimberley.  He had an intervention on The Dr. Oz show in New York the day before.  15 minutes of fame. New Kid in Town by The Eagles.  Read the lyrics as the song goes on.  They fit Jared pretty well.  "Great expectations everybody is watching you"

Jared got there with much fanfare.  They stuck him in detox for a few days.  He was cocky right off.  That Dr. Oz thing had gone to his head at this time.  I got to tell you, an intervention on TV doesn't get much attention from a bunch of drunks and addicts in rehab.  Jared had a lot to learn.
I remember the first time that I saw him.  He was walking towards the  smoking area and walked past my cabin.  Me and some of my roommates were sitting on the front porch.  Jared walked up smoking a cigarette. You were only supposed to smoke in the smoking area, but at this time he didn't think any rules applied to him.  He threw the butt down in our flower bed and we got in trouble for it.  He heard about it very clear.
Jared started to hang out around me and the guy that I shared a room with.  We were both older and he just gravitated towards us.  We had the first of many long conversations with the troubled young man.  He was scared of life.  We will get to know him better. 

Bouldin Ave on Wednesday Night

In one of Willie Nelson's songs, it starts out, "Miracles appear in the strangest of places".  Bouldin Ave is one of those places.  I chose, "Stuck in the Middle with You" for the video for this post, because the video and the lyrics pretty much fit how I felt that night.  Listen while I tell the rest of the story.
We arrived at the "Pink House" on Bouldin Ave and it was very crowded.  The Pink House was very small.  As we walked around to the back of the house to enter, I saw all kinds of people.  And quite a few of them were pretty lit up on something.  Wild and wooly eyed people and I was just shaking my head. 
Inside the room was very small. There was a second room off to my right and the whole time that I was there this lady was busy counting the Sweet and Low packets and pointing and talking to the wall.  She had me pretty nervous.  Behind me was an old guy, probably close to 70 that had little hair, but what he had was long and in curls.  He was dressed pretty much like a clown.  Way out there.  He was sitting directly behind me. Right before the start of the meeting he screamed out Holy F**k.  I was nervous the rest of the time with him behind me.
It was cold this November evening and I could tell some just came in from out of the cold.  One guy had a 3 piece suit on and several women were dressed very nice.  The rest was a real assortment of people. 
I remember the meeting starting and the crazy looking guy that was chairing the meeting said that tonight's discussion topic was "The Doctor's Opinion".  This is the same opinion that I had been talking about all day.  I looked at one of my friends from rehab and we both shook our heads.  How can it be, how did this guy know what I had made my last stand.  Well not to be shy, I piped up and told the group that we had been discussing this same opinion and I wanted to know what "moral psychology" was.  I was real proud of myself for asking that, especially among these folks.  I thought they don't have a prayer. 
Instead this crazy looking guy looked back and me and said "I don't give a damn what it means, I think you should Keep it Simple".  If you read my post from earlier in that day, that is what the group at rehab had come up with.  Keep it Simple.   I realized right then and there that God was talking to me in the crazy Pink House with a bunch of crazy looking people and telling me what I had already been told. 
I then knew that God was working in my life and I needed to pay attention from then on.  God began to show up every day at rehab and most of the time it was centered around me.  My rehab mates would just shake their head and know that God was present.  I started to call these experiences, "God Touches".
There were many more of these touches to come.  God had entered my life again and I started to feel better.  Thanks goodness, because God knew the hard times that I had coming in the next couple of weeks.  Life in rehab gets much worse for me and without God, I would have been lost.
Jared shows up the next day on Thursday. 

Smoke Smoke Smoke that Cigarette

On Wednesday afternoons, if we are good they take us to the smoke shop and to the Dollar General.  At the smoke shop, we could buy our cigarettes and at the Dollar General any snacks that we might  want.  Trip was a big deal.

I think that I was the only patient there in rehab at the time that didn't smoke.  I mean they smoked like chimneys.  I get into it later, but my habit began at the smoking spot at rehab.  I painted little rocks and gave them to people.  I called them my "higher power" rocks. 
Well anyway on this first trip that I took to the smoke shop, I got out of the van and went into the shop.  I was looking around at all the different kinds of cigarettes and cigars and was just amazed.  The thing that I begin to notice though was that they were different flavored cigars.  Peach, Blueberry and lots more.  I looked around at the group and asked why would anyone want a peach flavored cigarette.  The guy behind the counter just looked at me and said that lots of people like different flavors now.  I said "OK" and went out the door.  When we got into the van, one of the young "tough guy"  boys that was with us started laughing and said would someone please tell "Big Mike" (I am a big guy) what flavored cigars are about.
One of the other guys told me that potheads slit the cigars and took the tobacco out and put pot in them.  Then it didn't look like they were smoking a joint and it was flavored.  I got a real education about drugs in rehab.  But the song fits.  And we are still going to Bouldin Ave that Wednesday night.
In the video close to the start is a picture of some clowns smoking Admiral Cigarettes.  I think these are some of the guys we see at Bouldin Avenue.

Doctor My Eyes

This song means a lot to me and my trip through rehab.  It was about Wednesday, about 7 days into rehab that I was struggling with this whole idea.  I didn't want to give up control and I was fighting it.  Listen to the song.

You will miss the blessing if you don't listen to the lyrics.  This Wednesday, we were having discussions about readings in the "Big Book", the bible for Alcoholics Anonymous.  This book was written in 1939 and some of the reading were pretty mysterious.  I have been an insurance man for most of my adult life and words and definitions always were important to me.  We were reading "The Doctor's Opinion" at the front of the book.  Towards the end of this opinion the doctor talked about "moral psychology" and I wanted and insisted to know just what that meant.  This was to be my last stand.  Somebody explain it to me.  Neither the counselors nor the rest of the group were doing much to convince me just what that passage meant.  I mean, if you can't explain something to me in the front of the book, why go any further.  The best that the group could come up with is something that you hear a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous.  "Keep It Simple".  Well, at this point that wasn't just good enough for me.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself for stumping the crowd.  I had proved to myself that there was nothing here for me.  Like I said it was my last stand.
That night we go to Bouldin Avenue, oh my..
The words to the last verse are:
Doctor My Eyes
Cannot see the Sky
Is this the Price for having learned how not to cry.
This is the plight of many alcoholics and drug addicts.  They have internalized their  pain and won't let it out.  No one is allowed to go there.  But as I would find out, this is the real beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Mike

Tuesday Afternoon

I am now a week gone from my home.  Carla is in Houston in rehab and here I am in Wimberley.  The following song means a lot to me.  Listen to it carefully and follow along with the lyrics.

God is starting to deal with me and I am starting to feel his presence.  It comes on slowly but as the song says, "Something calls to me".  I was beginning to understand that I did have a problem with alcohol.  There is a tendency to compare yourself with other alcoholics and addicts.  I found myself wanting to say, I am not that bad.  The real truth is that addiction is addiction.  It really doesn't come in degrees.  I know some will argue that point with me but that is what makes this disease so baffling.  It can make you understand almost anything.  I talk to my daughter and tell her I am thinking about staying the whole 30 days and not just the two weeks that she and I had agreed on.  Turmoil is just around the corner for me and thankfully I had a relationship with God to help me through it.  Wednesday night, I find God in the strangest of places.
As they say, "It happens."

What do we talk about in group?

I guess that the most asked question I get about both rehab and AA meetings.  The truth is we talk about life. Watch and listen to the video.

Life is not unlike the story of this video.  Getting drunk and worried about the future.  Sometimes it's jail, sometimes it getting sent to rehab.  Lots of heartache and divorce.  In these meetings, we are extremely honest about our situations in life.  It's not just to tell a story for it's shock value and believe me, some stories shocked the hell out of me.  No, by telling the story, you are able to get it out of your system and tell someone and not be judged by what you did.  That's the most important part of group and an AA meeting.  The ability to disclose those things in your life that alcohol or drugs led you to do and get rid of the shame associated with your actions.   This  is where the healing starts.   You wouldn't think you would find honesty in a bunch of drunks and drug addicts, because we had never been honest about our problem.  But in these meetings, you find total honesty and it feels really good.

Mondays at Rehab

Well if you knew it was Monday, then you knew this song would come, but it's really appropriate. 

 Monday at Camp Lost in the Ozone, is really the hardest day.  On Sunday night you leave the rehab to attend an AA meeting either in Austin, San Marcos or Wimberley.  Sunday nights they usually went the further-est for  some reason and you usually got back to rehab at 9:30 pm and then had wrap up.  So you were up late.
They hit it hard on Monday mornings and keep you going at a brisk pace all day.  You are really pretty tired by the AA meeting that night and again on Mondays they left rehab for a meeting elsewhere.  This was my first Monday in rehab and I was having a hard time keeping up with the pace of the day.
Funny thing about when  they took us away from rehab.  The RA's would never tell us where we were going until the bus had left the property.  They didn't want the patients to have time to call a drug dealer and meet up with us at the destination.  Kind of funny, because we were chaperoned pretty well at all times, don't know when you could really get a drug deal done.  The other thing that was funny was we could tell where we were going by the time that we left the property.  If we left at 7, we were going to Austin, if we left at 7:15 we were going to San Marcos and if we left at 7:30 we were just going to Wimberley.  It was a game and I guess we enjoyed the laugh.  
Another funny thing about leaving and going to outside AA meetings was that I always got shotgun when a certain new RA was driving.  They said that they were just taking care of the old guy and let him ride up front.  The truth was that this RA scared the hell out of us a few times and nobody wanted to sit upfront.
Another sidenote, the boys usually went in one van  and the girls in another van.  Didn't want the boys and girls mixing up too much.  Well towards the end of my time in rehab, we had a lot more boys than girls, so they usually picked out the 3 or 4 oldest guys and let them ride with the girls. 
Oh well, rehab is rehab and you don't ask too many questions because the answer to those questions is usually, "just because".

Sunday Morning Coming Down.

My first Sunday in rehab.  Separated from my wife and family and put out here with a bunch of alcoholics and addicts.  The Saturday Family group session was tough and I was quite sure that I couldn't handle this. 

Well the song fit me this morning.  They call it a dry drunk.  You haven't had anything to drink but was experiencing the same feelings as being drunk.  Here I was this fine Sunday morning.  Running out of clean clothes, not shaving, wondering what in the hell I am doing here and feeling mighty lonesome.  I was surrounded by people that I didn't know telling horror stories about their lives that I really didn't want to hear. I had been telling everyone I was an alcoholic in group for 3 days and I didn't believe it.  I felt terrible.  I was clinging to memories of just a week ago, trying to forget where I was at.  Felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare and just wanted to wake up.
Sunday's are pretty relaxed at rehab.  Today family members can take the patients out for a 4 hour time period away from the rehab.  I didn't qualify to leave today because it was my first Sunday.  Little did I know at that time that I would never leave on a family day pass.  Rough time with family members is on the horizon. They just kind of left me there.  There would be a reason but I wouldn't find out until much later.
This Sunday morning I was feeling bad.  Hung over (dry drunk) and feeling lonesome.  I had started on the roller coaster emotions of rehab and things would get much worse before they started to get better.

Mike

Family Group

Need to be serious here.  Family group is one of the most guy wrenching sessions that I sat through.  It was on Saturday afternoons.  Picked the video, "Games People Play" by Joe South.  Listen as I describe the Family Group Session.

One of the last things that you do in treatment is write your family letter.  This is a letter to the family members of the patient.  It can be written to a mother, father, sister, brother, spouse or the patient's children.  Those that the patient writes a letter to, write their own letters.  These letters are then read in group, with the patient and his/her family sitting in the middle of the room with the rest of the familes and patients around them.  You hear lots of resentments, anger, tears, and love in these letters.  It is the most gut wrenching honesty that I have ever been part of.  It scared the hell out of me.  This is serious business and you can see first hand how alcohol and drugs have torn apart families and caused much much grief.  It was painful to watch.  I saw tough young men reduced to whimpering and crying like babies.  These were the guys that thought they were bullet proof.  I saw husbands and wives face each other and just lay open the wounds and raw feelings that this addiction has caused in the family.  I can't really describe all the feelings that went into this.

It was in one of these meeting that I saw Jared and his mom talk to each other.  What was said is not important, but what was important to me was the pure love that existed between this mother and her son.  They laid it out, but held onto each other.  It was touching..  But this is a baffling disease, less than 2 months later Jared is dead.  Sometimes even love can't save a soul.  This had hit me very hard.

Listen the the song,  Oh, the game people play now, every night and every day, never saying what we mean, never meaning what we say.   So true.  The purpose of rehab and AA is to help those in addiction to resolve resentments and fears before they claim a life.  

I encourage you if you have a loved one  to try and get them help.  Links at the top of the page will take you to Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.  You don't know how long your loved one can last without help.  If you feel like you need help again clink on one of the links or email me @mcarlson12@austin.rr.com.  I will talk to you and help in any way that I can.

God Bless,
Mike

Super Clean

My first Saturday in rehab was my first Super Clean.  You see the inmates, I mean patients, had to clean the premises and Wednesdays and Saturdays were Super Clean days.  Saturday had more chores than Wednesday.
My video is the one from the old movie "Car Wash", the song was by Rose Royce.

I just want to say that any resemblance of actors in the movies to inmates at rehab is purely coincidental.  But to my buds are rehab, some of you can see yourself there. Especially that guy with the bunny ears.. 
Super Clean.   The rehab had 4 cabins that held the inmates, a lodge where we ate and held our AA meetings.  We also had study hall there along with our Yoga sessions.  We also had a workout cabin and then the nurse's station which included a detox area.  Finally there was the Group room where we had most of our meetings. 
First of all the cabins had to be really deep cleaned.  Sweeping, moping and cleaning the baseboards.  Clean off all the nightstands, wipe the window blinds down and spic and span bathrooms.  One of the lady RAs was a real hard case on the bathrooms. I am sure that she had a magnifying glass when checking the bathrooms.  If she found one hair around the sink, the toilet or in the tub, you lost points.  Rarely did we not lose points.  I really think she got down of the floor and looked.  If you are an RA and reading this you know who you are.  I won't mention any names.  I forgot to mention that we had to wash all the windows.
After cleaning the cabins, each cabin was given duties outside the cabin.  You usually got two extra duties.
They were:  Cleaning the nurses station, cleaning the lodge, cleaning the workout cabin, cleaning the group room, cleaning the smoke areas, 1 for women and 1 for men.  Picking up trash on the grounds of the rehab. And last but not least, washing the vans. 
At this point I would like to remind you it was mid-November and pretty cold.  You guessed it, our cabin got the vans.  That is what reminded me of the "Car Wash" movie.  I know we looked pretty silly out there washing those vans.  But I got through the first of many Super Cleans.  

A Man of Constant Sorrow

Well that's the theme for the first few days in rehab.   Out here in the country with a bunch of drunks and drug addicts.. Who would have thought..

Wow, here I am.  My first afternoon in rehab.  Stayed in the detox area for most of the afternoon.  Slept.
Got up in time for supper and my first AA meeting.  One thing about this place, the food was very good.  My first AA meeting was at 7 that night.  First time that I uttered, I'm Mike and I'm an Alcoholic.  Didn't believe it that time but everybody else was saying it so go along to get along.

At 10 p.m. go to take my evening meds.  Told them I was having a hard time sleeping.  First night took their brand of vitamin which included melatonin, took a visteral for anxiety, and a trazadone for sleep.  And sleep I did.  Got up the next morning for breakfast.
Spent most of breakfast face down in my migas.  Could not wake up.  Went to take morning meds after breakfast and the RA put me back to bed.  I could hardly stand up.  I had been sober for several days at this time, but I sure looked drunk at that time.  Slept till 10 a.m.  Didn't do much before lunch.  Friday afternoon was recreational time and most everybody went on the bus and got to go bowling.  They have this 24 hour rule.  They left for bowling at 3 and I had gotten there the day before at 3:30.  Didn't qualify to go.  Got to stay back with those stumbling around in detox.  Oh well, if the song fits wear it.

Wimberley in 30 days or less

Well, the next song is very appropriate.

Thursday afternoon on the 12th of November, 2010, my daughter and my brother took me from Shoal Creek Hospital to The Right Step Residential Rehab Center in Wimberley,  Texas.  They did take me by the see my wife in St. David's Hospital for about 30 minutes before we left for Wimberley.  We got there around 3 p.m in the afternoon.  Way out in the country, the center is an old bread and breakfast.  Real nice setting.
It took about an hour for the administrator to interview me and tell me about rehab.  They told me that I was going to be there for 30 days.
My daughter and my brother drove off about 4 and left me there.  Because there was no room at the time in the residential area, I was put into the detox area for the afternoon.  My roommate that afternoon was coming down off of opiates.  He was wild eyed, I thought I was back in Shoal Creek.
If you are going to be in rehab I think this is a good one.  Nice people taking care of you.  But there you are out in the middle of nowhere and no way to get to anybody.  The only people that knew where I was, was my family.  Other folks just wondered what happened to me.
You have access to 2 phones, but if you don't know the phone number of someone, well that's just your bad luck.  And there is usually a line to use the phones.  This was going to take some adjustment.
But in the end, I was lucky cause they let me go after 28 days.
Life in rehab is next.  

Going to Rehab, I said No.

That Wednesday night in Shoal Creek my daughter came to tell me that my wife was going to inpatient rehab in Houston and she was taking her there later in the week when she got out of the hospital.  My daughter then told me the "good news" that I was getting to take a vacation in Wimberley.  For the next 30 days, I was going to inpatient rehab.  My first reaction was.

My daughter can be pretty persuasive.  We had one of the best talks that we have ever had.  I will never forget it.  After much talk, I finally agreed to do two weeks in rehab.  She said that she would take that.  I want you to remember that two week agreement because it comes up again soon.  Well anyway, I agree to go to rehab.  But I sure as hell didn't want to. 

Mike

Shoal Creek... A Pain in the A**

Shoal Creek for Detox.  Wow, what a place. 

Now that song tells it all.  My brother and my daughter admitted me to Shoal Creek for detox.  Now remember that I hadn't had a drink in two days at this point.  It was about 9:30 p.m. when we got there.  The main thing that I remember is that they kept asking me what day it was.  Hell, I had been writing the date on every piece of paper that they had put before me, but they kept on asking.  They finally got me though, because one of the last times they asked me, it was after midnight, so it was the next day. I had kept saying 11-9-2010, but it was finally 11-10-2010.
Well, my brother and daughter finally left me there at the hospital.  It was about 2 in the morning.  At that time, I got the first shot of vitamins.  I had to take the shot in the butt.  It felt like they were sticking me with pure fire.  That son of a gun hurt.
More about Shoal Creek.  I was in a ward with about 15 other people.  Most of them were really coming off some hard drugs.  One guy was laying in the hallway when we got there.  He was later throwing chairs all around.  Turns out he was coming off of oxicotton.  Real heavy doses. 
The others were walking around in pretty much of a daze.  Bruised and battered for the most part.  I was getting my first taste of what it was like being around a real drug addict.
Played some dominoes with  some of them.  Kind of crazy playing dominoes with people that are spaced out.  Never know what is coming next. 
The last night that I was there we were playing dominoes real late.  I have forgotten to tell you that the common area was open 24 hours a day.  You could make coffee, but after noon all you could make was decaf.  Ok.  Well that night, we decided to make some more coffee and it was after 11 at night.  The night attendent said that we couldn't make decaff after 10 at night.  I asked why and he just said because.
The next 30 days I would hear that a lot.  It didn't have to make sense, it was just because.

I got to Shoal Creek late on a Tuesday, on Wednesday night much to my protests, I find out that I was going to inpatient rehab the next day out in Wimberley, Texas.  God's country.  Like Rodney Atkins sings, If you're going through hell, keep on going. 

Mike

You find out who Your friends are...

What a song by Tracy Lawrence.  On Nov. 9, 2010, I find out how much my family loves me.  Wasn't too happy to start with.  Listen....

My sister takes me home from the hospital.  I decide not to stay overnight with my wife.  Traffic is crazy and it takes going the backway home to even get there.  I remember on the way home, telling my sister that if anything was to happen to me and my wife, that I wanted her to take care of our little dog.  Little did I know that about an hour later she would be leaving my house with me dog.  I was going to detox.
When my sister got to my house we talked a little and I sent her on the way, with a full bottle of vodka and all of our Nyquil..  Getting rid of everything that had alcohol in it.  Well, almost.

After my sister left, I started to get ready for bed.  I remember standing in the hall and looking outside.  All of a sudden 6 vehicles pull in my driveway.  It is dark and I can't tell who is coming to my house.  If you watch the video, the cars are going in line to help Tracy.   Anyway, I open the front door and hollar out, "Who is here".  I don't think I got much of an answer, I just saw, my daughter, my brother with his wife, both of my sisters and my brother-in-law come into my house single file.
Remember my daughter talking about doing it the hard way, well, intervention is not easy.  Those 6 people started in on me.  They were talking about getting me some help with my alcohol consumption.  One of their first questions was whether or not I gave my sister all of the alcohol.  Well there was that bottle that was about 3/4's empty.  I told them that I didn't want my sister to get stopped with an open container.  I thought that was a good answer.  You know, it didn't impress them at all or stop them from insisting that I go to detox.  Never been to detox and what did I need detox for, I hadn't had a drink in 2 days.  Go figure.
These are people that I love and I know that they love me.  I tried but didn't put up much of a fight.  If you have an intervention with people that really care, just pack your bags.  I remember my brother driving me away and I ask where I was going.  Shoal Creek.  Oh boy.. 
Next, I head to Detox.  Great place, oh yea..

I saw God today...

It's Tuesday, Nov. 9 and my sister takes me to see my wife at St. David's Hospital.  I know the following song shows talks about a baby, but in many ways I became a babe in Christ that day.  Listen to the song, while you read my post. 

Well, all I really remember is being in my wife's room at the hospital with my daughter.  I remember just chatting for awhile and then Dr. Rice comes in.  He's the doctor dealing with my wife's liver problems.  He goes on to say that she has alcoholic hepatitis which was caused by alcohol.  That was the reason that she had turned yellow.  Her liver was swollen and she was sick.  Dr. Rice looked straight at her and said that the next drink of alcohol could kill her.  She told him straight up that she was through drinking.  Now comes the God part.  This doctor then turns to me and says that in situations like this the spouse has an alcohol problem too.  I have never seen this man before and he called me out.  I told him that I was through drinking too.  I knew that right then and there God got my attention.  God showed himself to me through a doctor, a complete stranger.  He happened to come in while I was in her room.  It was then and there that I realized how unmanageable my life had become, but God was ready to help.  What a blessing.
My journey to sobriety starts that evening.  My daughter had already asked me to get help in counseling and I said no that I could handle it.  She told me I could either do it the easy way or the hard way.
Of course an alcoholic will pick the hard way.  THE INTERVENTION is next. 

Running on Empty

This song by Jackson Browne describes me completely by Nov. 5, 2010.  My wife's skin and eyes were yellow and she was in for a sonogram that day.  Listen while I tell the rest...

Nov. 5, 2010 was a Friday.  That morning my wife had gone to our doctor by herself because she was hurting and was yellow.  I was scared.  That afternoon, we went for the sonogram of her stomach area.  Results didn't come in that day, so we had to wait for Monday.  My daughter came to town to help out.  I had my last drink on Nov. 7, 2010.  That was a Sunday night. 
The doctor's office called on Monday morning and told my wife to go to the hospital.  My daughter took her to St. David's.  My daughter was upset that I didn't come.  But I was really scared.  I couldn't fix anything at this time and was powerless.  My daughter even sent a deputy sheriff by the house to check on me. 
All I could tell him was I was washing underwear in order to go to the hospital.  I was very nervous, but I was not drinking at all. 
All that I remember from there, was that one of my sister's came to my house the next day, (this is the same one that had made the unannounced visit a few weeks earlier) to take me to see my wife at the hospital.
I got to the hospital and my wife was yellow but seemed OK.  
At this point I truly was "Running on Empty".  I get to see God that day, but that is for the next post...

Don't Want to Waste My Life

Wow, while searching you tube for music to describe my next post, I ran headlong into the video featured here.  Mike liking rap, never thought this old South Austin boy could come to that.  Play the video while I finish this post.

Mighty powerful song.  I was thinking about Jared a lot today and thinking what a waste. Too many people have trouble with that Higher Power thing.  Find your Higher Power as you understand him/her.  Just grab on and hold on. Three young men that I either met in rehab or just out of rehab have died in the last 30 days.  Don't let it happen to you or one of your loved ones. 
I believe that God gave this video to me to share with you.  Please get help and don't waste your life.  If you know someone in trouble, please get them help.  Click on the links in the header.

We took my wife to the doctor today and she is doing great.  God is giving us another chance and I promise that we won't waste it.
Tomorrow, I talk about the time right before my intervention.

The Beginning of the End.

As alcoholics and addicts are confronted with life spinning out of control, its common for them to wish for things to be like they used to be...
The following song is a good example.  Enjoy while you are reading the rest of the post.

 What a great song and how true.  Life was getting crazier and crazier and I really didn't know it.  I was too busy trying to fix it.  One week in late October 2010, my mom called me on the phone.  After a little chit chat, she just blurted out, "Why don't you love me anymore".  Well that pretty much finished me off.  I just lost complete control over the phone, crying and hanging up on her.  Not really sure what I said.  I was just emotionally spent and it hit me hard and hurt.

Five minutes later, my brother called and wanted to know if I was ok and did he need to come out.  Mom had called him crying.  I said no, I am all right.

Five minutes after that, my baby sister called and wanted to know if I was alright.  Wanting to come out and see me.  I told her I was ok and she didn't need to come.  Mom had called her very upset and worried about me.

About 15 minutes later, my sister that is only two years younger than me, shows up at my front door.  All the hiding was done for.  She came in and talked to me and then to my wife.  My wife was curled up in bed and looking very ill.  My sister started asking about alcohol and it was pretty obvious, not much to deny.

Well, my sister left, but the genie was out of the bottle. I knew then that something had to be done that alcohol had begun to dominate my life.

I met Jared's mother. She came to see him in rehab.  She loved that boy with all her heart and you could tell that she was just scared.  I watched them interact.  Jared was very protective of his mom and worried about her a great deal.  Jared and I had many conversations about our families and how drugs and alcohol had affected the family.  I truly believed that Jared wanted to change.  Jared's demons were just too much for him.  He was having a real problem getting that Higher Power thing. 

My next post will tell about the week leading up to my intervention.  Crazy....

If you have a loved one that is having a hard time dealing with drugs and/or alcohol, click on one of the links at the top of the page.  Get help for your loved ones as soon as possible.

Mike

Poor, Poor Pitiful Me....

Here we go and start with the first step of the twelve suggested steps by Alcoholics Anonymous.

1.  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Lets listen to this video while I write about this first step.

Before we get started, I hope you noticed the saying by Warren Zevon.  "Enjoy Every Sandwich"
How true that is, you have to enjoy every day that you are given.

Back to my story, 2010 started out bad.  My business was dropping and my mom was going to the hospital every month, usually by ambulance.  She has a pace maker and she would get dehydrated due to a bladder infection.  It was the same story every month, and soon they began diagnosing pneumonia.  No symptoms, but definitely pneumonia.

She was getting weaker and weaker.  In the meantime my wife was getting sicker and sicker.  In 2009, we had lots of medical tests and all that they could tell us was a real bad acid reflux condition.  She would get up in the morning and throw up.  She was losing weight and looking frailer and frailer.  We were arguing over her not eating.

We found ourselves drinking more and more.  I couldn't sleep at night.  Most nights I would awake around
1:30 a.m. and fix a drink or two to enable me to get back to sleep.  I grew to like watching the TV series, Numbers.  Saw it every morning at 2 and 3.  Finally falling to sleep and waking around 6 a.m.

Fixed my first drink of the day, quit drinking coffee.  I would fix Carla one when she got up.  I would have two or three drinks in the morning while working on the computer.  Diet Coke and Vodka was my poison of choice.  I would quit drinking if I had to leave so no one would know about my drinking.

The drinking continued into the afternoon and night.  Never really felt drunk, I guess because I would only have about 1 per hour and with my size it takes alot to get drunk.  But we were drinking all the time while we were at home.  We never really drank away from home.  Part of the madness.

Looking back, I know God kept trying to reach out to me, but I keep telling God, not now, can't you see I'm busy.  I got all kinds of problems.

This became a daily ritual.  My life was spiraling out of control and I wasn't asking anyone for help, let alone God.  I was scared.  Thought that my mom was dying and not sure that my wife wasn't dying too.

My family has told me since that I had withdrawn from them.  I swear I never saw it.  I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.  Hence the song, "Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me".

Coming up next, God finally gets my attention..  I take step one of the twelve steps..

Good additional reading about the 1st Step.
 

Jared's Intervention on the Dr. Oz Show

Before I start talking about the first three steps in the twelve step program, I want you to meet Jared and his family.  These are 3 different segments of his intervention on the Dr. Oz show.  Watch them and learn about the life of this sad young man...

Brad Lamm continues to talk to Jared's mother and grandmother.

Brad Lamm helps a mother whose son is battling a dangerous heroin addiction. This intervention could be the last chance to save his life.

Brad Lamm helps a mother whose son is battling a dangerous heroin addiction. This intervention could be the last chance to save his life. Unfortunately this intervention didn't work. But not because his family didn't try..

Jared, RIP Feb. 1,2011

Sometimes it is too late.

The following song is haunting.  The video is haunting.  Please, listen to the song while you read my post.

The name of the song is "It's Never too Late".  It's true as long as you are alive. This song is haunting as I could see and hear the sounds of some of the people that I met in rehab.  I met many that have tried to kill themselves.  Some by overdoses and some by inflicting wounds to themselves.  Many of the newcomers to rehab were bruised and battered.  Walking around like dead people.

You see, most of the hardened alcoholics and addicts are not afraid of death.  Many of them see it as the only way out.  They are troubled souls.  If you know someone is in trouble, reach out to them.  I can tell you that they are afraid to ask for help.

We went through the first 3 of the 12 step process in rehab.  My next post will be about the first step.  Many never get past it.

See you soon,

Mike

In My Room

Please listen to the Beach Boy sing "In My Room", while you read this post.  Always loved the song but never really got what it meant.

Isolation started in the Garden of Eden.  When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they isolated themselves and tried to hide from God.  Isolation is a common trait among alcoholics and addicts.  We take it to a new level.  We try to hide the shame that our lives have become unmanageable.  A common thread among alcoholics and addicts is the inability to ask for help.  We truly believe that we can handle life by ourselves.  As a result we start to isolate ourselves from others.

They was so true in my case.  There were lots of people out there to help me, I was just to ashamed to ask for help.  I didn't want anyone to know.  In my case, I didn't even realize that I was isolating myself.  My daughter along with my sisters, my brother in law, and my brother and his wife held an intervention for me.
They explained to me that I needed help that I had withdrawn from my family.  I really didn't understand what they were telling me at the time.  But they were there for me.  They were there all along, I just didn't ask for their help.They told me how much that they loved me. I'll never forget the look in their eyes. I can't begin to tell you how much I love them for reaching out and helping me.  They saved my life.  

Addiction to alcohol and drugs is widespread today.  It affects people from all walks of life.  The core issue is still the same for all these people.  They have a disease and this disease kills.

If you recognize yourself in this post, I encourage you to ask for help.  I left my phone number on this page intentionally.  Call me if you need to talk, but also check out the links in the right column.  There is a link to Alcoholics Anonymous and to Al Anon and Alateen.  You can easily find a meeting near you.  If you are a family member and you see these traits in a loved one, please try to get them help.  You can also call me, but better yet, go to Al-Anon meetings and learn how to deal with an alcoholic and  addict.  I firmly believe that you have to be proactive.  Even with help, some don't make it.  Jared is a case in point.  His mother was desperately trying to help, but he died.  Al-Anon meeting are held in cities all over the world.  Help is there if you seek it.  If you are looking for a residential rehab location for a loved one, I can highly recommend The Right Step in Wimberley Texas.

The song, "In My Room" is a beautiful song.  Now that I hear the words differently, I understand the song better.  Many of the Beach Boys had drug and alcohol problems.  As famous as they were, they sound like they might have been alone.  An alcoholic can isolate themselves, even in a crowd.

God bless you.

Mike Carlson

More about Jared

Before I start telling my story, I want to tell you more about Jared.  He was just one of 7 young men, late
teens and 20's that were very angry about life.  Several of them had been in rehab numerous times.  They were living very unhappy lives.  Most of these young men grew up in single parent homes.  The dad was generally gone.  Many of these young boys rightly or wrongly blame their dads for their problems.  To compensate for their anger and fear they had to give off the aura of a bad ass.

Well, us old guys saw right through that and called these young men on it.  All of them, I mean all of them were really nice people when you got through the personality that they were trying to project.

Jared was different though.  The other young guys saw right through Jared.  Jared was an immature young man that was lost.  I really felt sorry for him at times and at other times I felt like kicking his ass.  Jared really hadn't done much since high school.  He thought that he was going to enter the University of Texas or Texas State University this fall.  He was excited about it.

Like I said earlier, he came to rehab straight from the Dr. Oz show.  He arrived with much fanfare.  At first he thought that he didn't have to obey the rules that everyone else did.  After all the owner of the rehab and the director of the rehab were there with him a lot.

Reality soon set in and he had to do his chores like everyone else.  Reality was rough on him.  They aired the Dr. Oz segment with him while he and I were still in rehab.  The rehab facility would not allow the patients to see the show.  They did allow Jared to see it.

He came to me after viewing the segment and he was sick.  You see he had an intervention on national television.  He said that he looked stupid and out of it.  Not quite the glamor that he had envisioned.

It really became difficult for him after that.  He didn't want anyone outside to know that he was the guy in the Dr. Oz show.  He was ashamed of how he acted on air in front of a national television audience.

I  "graduated" from rehab about a week before Jared "graduated". We exchanged phone numbers and he promised to call me when he got out.  I tried several times to call, but the number he gave me was changed.
I didn't know it at the time, but I got a good phone number for Jared the day that he died.  I called the number and all I got was his voice mail.

I will go into this more later, but all of these young men had a problem with God or their Higher Power.  They just didn't believe and it made it all that more hard for them.

While I was in rehab, another young man, Chance,  died from an overdose.  He had "graduated" from rehab 2 weeks before I got there.  They said he was a star in group therapy and knew what to do.

I called my sponsor and told him about Jared.  He said that another young man, Scott, has just died.

That's 3 lives in less than 60 days.  Alcohol and addictions KILL.  Lives are lost to car wrecks involving drugs and alcohol.  People die from overdoses.  Those just our of rehab are really some of the most likely to die.  They had gotten clean and their systems no longer had any drugs in them.  They get out and decide to shoot up with the same amount that they had been doing prior to rehab.  It kills them.

You know these are lives wasted.  They were just as many young women in rehab too.  We are talking about a disease of the mind.  Some just never get it.

Jared was a special young man.  Very smart and likable.  RIP now Jared.

Mike Carlson

I wanted to include this you tube video, The Pusher.  Please don't listen if it offends you.  All I can say if there is someone that God should damn, that would be The Pusher.

Why Jared's Story

I started a spiritual journey a little over 90 days ago.  I had an intervention and wound up in rehab for alcohol.  Wow, I said it for the world to see.  But you may want to know why I am calling this Jared's story.

About a week into rehab, Jared showed up.  He had left the Dr. Oz show the day before and then sent from New York to Wimberley, Texas for rehab.  You see, Jared was a heroin addict.  He was 20 years old.  Great looking kid.  Came into rehab a little bit cocky because he had been on national television the day before.  Jared would soon learn that he was with a bunch of alcoholics and addicts and television fame didn't mean anything to them.

I was in a cabin with two other guys and we were the oldest guys there.  Jared started to hang around us.  We spent hours just sitting around and talking.  Jared was an angry young man.  He came from a upper middle class family, but he was angry.  I would suppose that Jared might be bi-polar, because some days he was on top of the world and some days he was angry and mad at the world.

We grew very fond of this young man.  We thought that he had a chance to make it.  Last week, Jared died of an overdose.  Alcohol and addiction to drugs, legal and illegal, kills.  I named this blog, Jared's story so that I never forget that or forget Jared.

So here I am on this spiritual journey and I believe that God wants me to share it with you.  I want you to understand not to feel sorry for me, as I have found God again.  I really don't know where this journey is going to take me, it's just important that I take this step.  All I can say for sure, to take life one day at a time and try to stay in constant contact with God.  Your welcome to take this journey with me and to comment along the way.  

Mike Carlson